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8 failed Kickstarters that were too pure for 2018

Crowdfunding is cool. Countless number of alarming things started on sites like Kickstarter, hit their allotment goal, and then entered the real world.

Unfortunately, there’s a dark side to crowdfunding: projects that never get the appropriate amount of basic and fail. This is affecting enough, but what if the artefact was truly, deeply, and absolutely necessary? What if the item being funded was vital to the future of humanity? What if it 

Well, I’m sorry Leonardo DiCaprio-in-the-movie-not all dreams become absoluteness and sometimes you don’t get what you want.

What we can do though is to share a alternative of the greatest, most brilliant, breathtaking, wondrous, and arresting articles that never quite got funded in 2018.

Dogeasy – an internet chat account for dogs

I don’t own a dog. Yet. One day in the future though, I’m gonna have the most avant-garde hound you’ve ever seen. And it’s gonna be browsing the internet like I know dogs were meant to do.

This is one of the many, many, many reasons I’m broken up about the abortion of Dogeasy. The idea behind the activity was simple: to get dogs online. As in, absolutely to get dogs using the internet.

“But how would that work?” I hear you ask.

Oh ye of little faith. Can I ask commodity personal: what happened to you? What occurred in your life that made you dead inside? It’d work like this:

Clear enough for you? If you need some more info, here’s what the Kickstarter page has to say:

It breaks my goddamn heart that this never got funded. Still, let’s hope this isn’t the end for Dogeasy. My future mutt is going to have to earn its keep, so using the internet is a first step to making it get a job.

Home Wash Alert – a system that sends you a text when your abrasion is done

Ohhh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I needed this so bad in my life. I mean, how could you not empathise with a plight like this:

Tell me who amidst us has not put our clothes in the abrasion machine, heard the clinking spin cycle end, and anticipation “I wish addition sent me a text saying my clothes are now clean.”

The Home Wash Alert declining to meet its allotment goals is the very analogue of tragedy. Excuse me for one moment, I’m going to go and edit the ending of to reflect what real pain looks like.

The Handy Dipper – a device that holds your sauce

This is accepting too much for me. You know the activity of wasted abeyant that washes over you when a young sportsperson suffers a career-ending injury? Like the future has had some of the light snuffed out? As though the world will never be warm again?

This is absolutely how I’m activity cerebration about association being denied the gift of the Handy Dipper.

For centuries (probably), we’ve been denied the adeptness to dip foods into sauce after captivation the container. For a short time, I believed we’d able this nightmare. I anticipation I’d live in a world where we walked around with artificial address dusters that suspends sauce for us. Friends, that dream is over.

We were so close to utopia, but no one believed in the dream of the Handy Dipper. This shames not only me, not only you, but everyone.

Still, at least we have some solace from the pain: the poetry that the Kickstarter left behind.


ClimXalta – a, uh, “stimulating” spray

ClimXalta can be fully summed up by the formatting of “everywhere” in this description:

I don’t know how a bold font can make me feel so dirty, but here we are. How are you feeling? You imagining the “everywhere” in the image above ample under your skin, much like that Linkin Park song.

Anyway – back to climXalta. It sounds like poison. A spray that makes your skin “tingle” is not a Good Thing. It’s poison.

You might be apprehensive why I called this as a Kickstarter we wish hadn’t failed. Easy. It’s absolutely pretty hard to get poisons these days.

You can thank the bleeding heart, PC, avant-garde army for that one. Back in the day, you could get some arsenic over the adverse at your local pharmacy. Snowflake soy boys didn’t like that, so they chock-full it. Pathetic. Sad and pathetic.

I mean, what happens if my accomplice or kids or dog is annoying me? Currently, all I can do is shout and scream. But if I had the climXalta? I’d just spray a bit into their coffee/cereal/water bowl and all my problems would be solved.

Actually, on added reflection, maybe it’s a good thing this didn’t get funded. NOT.

The Dirt Funnel – a dirt funnel

Any artefact called ‘Dirt Funnel’ already has my vote. But if that accouterments can save me not only time, but also money?

Let me put it this way: the Dirt Funnel has its better fan. Me.

If you’re currently sitting there cerebration “what on god’s green earth is a dirt funnel,” – firstly, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain you complete heathen, have you even read the Bible?

But, just in case you were concerned, the Dirt Funnel is a funnel for dirt.

It’s a bit of artificial that holds bags open so you can funnel dirt in those bags. I, for one, am a huge dirt funneller and the anticipation the world has been denied the Dirt Funnel is so aching I can barely keep on typing.

A child car seat cooler

If there’s one thing in this world that I despise, it’s a sweaty child. We were close to analytic that problem.

The Portable Rechargeable Blender

The other day, I walked into McDonald’s, ordered myself a Big Mac meal, six craven nuggets, and a side salad. As they handed me the brown paper bag, I recoiled.

“No,” I screamed. “No,” I connected to scream.

After they asked me to calm down and stop making a scene, I told them the problem: I didn’t want the meal in abstracted bits. I wanted it attenuated up into a POWER SHAKE.

“Why else would I have ordered the salad you fools,” I calmly said, continuing on the counter.

Unfortunately, I’m not accustomed back in that McDonalds. But there’s commodity even more adverse than that tragedy – the fact this whole heart-wrenching saga could’ve been abhorred with the Portable Rechargeable Blender.

Yes, that’s its name and it’s the best name you ever heard because it tells you absolutely what it is. Maybe McDonald’s should take branding acquaint from the Portable Rechargeable Blender.

Just think of the health allowances of aggregate up every meal.

Imagine it – you’re sitting in a nice French restaurant, adulatory you could have a POWER STEAK SHAKE, and, you know what, with the Portable Rechargeable Blender you could! Just jam that meat and fries into the alembic and mash it all into a adorable goo.

Even though it’s never absolutely existed, I already miss the Portable Rechargeable Blender.

The Shower Garbage Can

You know how you have altered bins, right? Like loads of them. You’ve got your kitchen bin, your attache bin, your behind-the-fridge bin, the suitcase-under-the-bed bin, and more altered types of bins than you could possibly name.

But – and this is going to weird you out – have you ever anticipation about why there wasn’t a shower bin? Yeah, there’s a bath bin, and a sink bin, and a mirror bin, but what about the shower bin. Weird, right?

Someone did invent it though. The Shower Garbage Can. It’s beautiful. Just the sound of those words calm is a like a sunset for my ears. I think… I think I’m in love with the concept, nay, just the mere sound of the Shower Garbage Can.

And yet… there’s a black to this. The adeptness that my shower will be filled with so much bits that it’ll eventually avalanche out of the room and invade the rest of my house until it’s so rammed and there’s boilerplate to sleep and I end up under a bridge.

And just to think, this could’ve been chock-full if we had the Shower Garbage Can. You suck, readers, you suck.

Published December 27, 2018 — 13:00 UTC

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