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of butt stuff being posted on Facebook. With this in mind, I have one simple request: GIVE ME THE ANUS, ZUCKERBERG, YOU COWARD!

The most common two word phrases used in the guidelines

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Similar to the last list, the first two-thirds of this are dull. It’s just normal, business speak with a admixture of sex, but when we get to the bottom third? We’re in anus/genitalia city, baby!

Even after researching, writing, and proofing this piece, I’m still in love with the scientifically-graphic cant nestled in what’s basically a accumulated terms and altitude sheet. For once you’ve done good, Facebook.

Next, let’s dive deeper into the guidelines, so…

…here are some of the hyper-specific things you can’t show on Facebook

Buckle in, it’s gonna get weird.

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This was the term originally shared by GordyPls. In his words – because we can’t possibly advance them – “Facebook‘s association standards accurately permit photoshopping an arsehole on a politician.”

Beautiful. Gorgeous. 

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By-products? Okay then. Here’s a list of things that, if taken literally, you’re not accustomed to show on Facebook:

  • A messy bed
  • Unkempt hair
  • A aghast expression
  • Sweat
  • Children

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Basically, if you’re cutting a thin shirt, you can activate your nipples all you want.

Also, what happens if it’s freezing out and – as is so often the case – I happen to be coil and shirtless? Are we really ready to call article as common as a cold spell a “nipple stimulator” now? Are we? Doubt it.

No one voted for Brexit.

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Can I accept why you can’t get Facebook-freaky with bodily fluids? Yes, of course, but I like the image of a gowned Zuckerberg sat at his ornate wooden desk, staring out over his vast estate, and slowly typing out “faeces, urine, spit, snot, menstruation, or vomit.”

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Question: would a video of a breast milk trick shot (you know, like squirting it into a baby’s mouth from a distance) be accustomed on Facebook? Hit me up if you know the answer.

A austere point before we leave

All-in-all, these guidelines are wonderful. I can’t tell whether the people autograph them were joyous for this opportunity, or aghast at having to do it.

It’s magnificent.

But, there’s one aspect of this whole thing that’s antic and, in my view, unforgivable:

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You know what? Fuck you, Facebook. A ban on “uncovered female nipples?” 

Let me put this simply: women’s bodies should not be policed abnormally to men’s. Either allow nipples from all genders to be shown, or none. How’s that so hard to grasp?

Anything else is abominable and dumb.


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