Snap’s second-gen line of its Spectacles – which were launched in April of this year – are now on Amazon. Joy!

The accommodation to do addition abundance of the Spectacles is strange, abnormally as the product’s first run didn’t do that well, losing the aggregation around $40 million.

Despite this, I don’t absolutely think the Spectacles are a decidedly bad idea. A pair of glasses that let you bound abduction and share what’s going on fits well with Snapchat’s access to social media.

And from there, I couldn’t help but wonder… If other social media brands absitively to absolution their own hardware, what would they do? And, if I presented them to the world for free, would these companies abutment my lavish lifestyle?

There’s only one way to find out…

Twitter releases… THE TWEETERFONE™

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As a platform, you can sum up Twitter like this: Why keep your thoughts to yourself when you can accomplish an assessment about everything?

With the Tweeterfone™, this attitude doesn’t need to be kept online. Now, you can take your aggressiveness to the streets and feel abundance in alive you’re louder than anyone else in the vicinity.

Did the staff forget to put olives on your pizza? Chastise them with the Tweeterfone™.

You’re trying to get down to the Supreme store to pick up that latest fanny pack and a woman with a pushchair gets in your way? Use the Tweeterfone™ to break down in great detail why wombs are cancer and that her choice of having a child shouldn’t impact you.

Parents are asking you to get a job? Repeat over and over again how you’re too much of a artistic talent and free thinker to ever be tied down to commodity as banal as a 9-5 and a pay cheque.

Also, to give the full Twitter experience, the Tweeterphone™ will about shout out racial or sexual slurs. This affection cannot be turned off.

Instagram releases… THE GR(E)AM SCREEN™

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It’s been accepting harder and harder to stand-out on Instagram. A year or two ago, a couple of nice snaps a week could get you some decent likes, but now? How can you attempt with people with who have trust funds, cyberbanking jobs, or live in some pretty place?

I’ll tell you how: The Gr(e)am Screen™, the Instagram-branded green screen of your dreams.

Okay, the name needs some work (the aggregate of ‘gram’ and ‘green’ didn’t go too well), but the abstraction is solid. Rather than having to absolutely go to places to blemish that deep admiring inside you to show people how good your life is, just digitally add it with the green screen.

Someone went to three continents in a day? You’ll make it nine. Don’t listen to the haters, only you can decide how many continents exist now you have the Gr(e)am Screen™. Reality can suck it.

Facebook releases… THE FACE BUZZ BOX™

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These days, Facebook is like Aerosmith: it doesn’t want you to miss a thing.

It wants you to hear about an event coming in three weeks time. It wants to tell you that you’ve just clicked “accept” on a accord appeal by giving you a fake agent alert. It wants you to know when addition you haven’t spoken with in eight years looks at a account of a second hand Ford Focus. It’s doing this for you. Because Facebook is your life now.

This is why the aggregation has to release The Face Buzz Box™.

Much like Facebook was a accurate book of faces, The Face Buzz Box™ is a box that slots onto your face and buzzes. Whenever the belvedere sends you a notification, you get a sweet little beating sent into your skull, along with a advantageous shot of dopamine.

Why would you agree to get this box of electronics and wires and metal beggared to you skull? Easy – because Facebook will install it free of charge.

It also tracks your area and mood at all times. But it feels good and is… 

LinkedIn releases… THE SLEEPEDIN SYSTEM™

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I’ve never met anyone that enjoys annihilation about LinkedIn and, even if you are one of those rare people, you’re apparently lying to yourself. Still, there had to be a absolute artefact that could be accordant to LinkedIn. So, it got me thinking: what’s the cardinal affect I feel when I use the social network?

Ah yes, boredom. Sheer, complete boredom. A apathy so deep and alveolate that if you shouted into the space, you would become aloof before the dull echo even accomplished you. In other words, it’s a great sleep companion.

This is why the SleepedIn System™ is perfect. The artefact will come in two parts: a mattress and some goggles. The former will have the patented LinkedIn aroma of bound bullshit, while the latter will flash all the updates from your arrangement in front of your eyes to lull you into a troubled, dark sleep*.

And that’s it! I hope you finish this commodity with a account in your mind of how great the world would be if other social media companies acted like Snapchat and appear their own products. What a bewitched time that’d be.

Until they start making the things we all know they should, you can get Snap’s Spectacles here.

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